Alright, I’m going to be blunt. If you are a high vibration individual on a path of self-improvement AND in a relationship, chances are, you’ve probably settled. I’m also betting that if you’re single, you’re probably trying to figure out why you’re not finding anyone ‘worth it’.
It’s no surprise a lot of us feel this way. In fact, given our circumstances, we are statistically set up for failure when it comes to finding a compatible mate. Here’s why:
Problem #1: Scarcity
On a fundamental level, our difficulty in finding ‘the one’ is a problem we encounter when we study economics: It’s a problem of scarcity.
The more evolved a person becomes, the fewer compatible potential partners exist. There are simply less people who can meet you at the same level of awareness.
Beyond that, the more specialized your set of life traits are, (for example, being psychic, or being 6 feet tall) the more specialized your desired partner’s traits become. And beyond that, out of those who fit your desired needs, that certain someone needs to find your particular combination of traits attractive to be a match.
In other words, your potential pool of mates goes from maybe 1 in 20 to 1 in 1000, or probably worse. Those are just arbitrary numbers, but the point is, extraordinary people more often seem like they have “settled” in their relationships.
That, or they remain single.
Ironically, even as we struggle to find compatible partners, evolving individuals never fall short of attracting admirers. Our aura is based on our level of enlightenment and development. The higher your vibration, or brighter your light, the more generally unhealthy people are going to be attracted to it. In other words, the less healthy a person is, the more likely they are to gravitate towards someone who has the characteristics they perceive to be lacking in themselves. I like to call this “filling the void”.
Thus, we deal with the consequence: Self-aware, spiritually advanced, evolving people don’t tend to meet many others whom they want to be with, and get far greater exposure to others who want to be with them. And those others often have not-so-desirable attributes and questionable mental health.
I’ll admit—I could write for days on my romantic blunders with sociopaths, victims, narcissists etc. Before I understood the reality of my dating ‘predicament’, I was stuck in a pattern of unhealthy relationships that didn’t serve me. My frustration over this became so overwhelming that it morphed into the fear that I was deeply flawed myself. Sound familiar? You’re not alone—most of us are simply unaware of the role vibration plays when we find ourselves with dysfunctional partners over and over again. This is why it’s also so important to use discretion when courting an admirer.
Lucky us–right? We have a unique susceptibility to basket cases! But what might be more perplexing is that a lot of us also choose to stay with these types. Why? For the same reason everyone else does:
We get stuck because we are living in a delusion.
The false belief that we need to be with another person in order to feel ‘fulfilled’ or ‘complete’ could not be further from the truth. In fact, more than anything else, it causes us to suffer.
This brings me to Problem #2: Needing Love
Most people who are in a relationship who shouldn’t be, fall into this category.
“THE EVOLVED PERSON NEVER NEEDS ANOTHER PERSON.”
That might be the SINGLE most important lesson we learn on our path of self improvement.
Of course, the meaning of ‘need’, in this context, isn’t that which stems from external pressures, such as family expectation or financial insecurity. Although superficial relationships exist, our primary need—the need to be whole— stems from our core.
Unfortunately, most people won’t ever even begin the path to real fulfillment and wholeness of being. It’s simply easier to depend on someone else for the qualities we lack, than it is to work on developing those things ourselves.
A lot of the people you know are in relationships for precisely this reason.
And here’s where it comes back to bite them:
The moment we become dependent on another’s energy, in any amount, we impair our ability to evolve as individuals.
Some people stop evolving all together.
This is why it is essential for us to reach a certain level of ‘wholeness’ before becoming intimately involved with another person.
“A MAN MUST FIND HIMSELF, BEFORE HE FINDS HIS WOMAN, OR HE WILL DAMAGE HIMSELF, AND WHAT EVER WOMAN HE COMES IN CONTACT WITH ALONG THE WAY.”
It is a spiritual truth, that the most dangerous threat to soul consciousness is the threat of anything that stops us from evolving.
For the small group of people awakening who were meant to evolve to a higher consciousness in this life, being dependent on another to mask your own shortcomings only leads to one thing:
It’s only logical, right? When we make life choices that lead us off the right path, our real self lets us know loud and clear that it’s time to start doing something differently! Negative feelings are there to guide us and serve as a thought/action feedback system. They will continue to teach us until the lesson is learned. This is what the Buddha meant when he said, “Suffering is a CHOICE” (For more on this: See post — The Importance of Negative Emotions and Self-Respect vs. Selfishness)
If you’re suffering in your relationship, and you feel like you need your partner to feel ‘complete’– it’s time to get out. I wish I had listened to my inner self sooner. Like many people, I was miserable for years in relationships defined by anxiety, depression, and desperation. Sure, I was attracting some pretty unremarkable characters, but admittedly, there were parts of them that I was depending on to make up for my own insecurities. I invested all my energy into those relationships and my partners—energy that I needed to be spending on myself, and on my own growth. Lesson learned: The only person I ever really needed, was ME.
“EVERYTHING WE NEED EXISTS WITHIN US” – Nisargadatta Maharaj
PROBLEM #3: Compatibility Issues: Needing Appreciation vs. Needing to be Understood
When a person develops to the point where they feel like they don’t need someone else, this doesn’t mean they don’t have a desire for companionship
If you were lucky enough to defy statistics and meet someone you are mutually attracted to, you still have another hurdle to overcome when it comes to relationship success—and that deals with compatibility.
There is a major compatibility problem we face in our relationships, and this has to do with a fundamental difference in the core need of the average person vs. the evolving person.
It has been said that the deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be APPRECIATED. I would argue that in the case of the evolving person it is the craving to be UNDERSTOOD .
Because the craving for appreciation is ego driven—it would make sense that the evolving person loses this core need. The evolving person has already formed a deep sense of appreciation for himself. Although closely related, the desire to be understood can exist outside the ego, and therefore is a desire that exists in harmony with our REAL SELVES.
So while the average person seeks appreciation from his significant other, the evolving person seeks understanding— and this poses a problem. Two people who don’t share the same core need, DON’T sync. They are vibrating on two very different levels.
And this is important, because compatibility really isnt about personality or similar interests. It’s simply how well you harmonize with another persons vibration.
The good news: This bump in the road is easy to avoid. It is precisely our need to be understood, which guides us toward other individuals who vibrate at higher levels. The person we feel understands us is by default more likely to be someone we resonate with.
So– to bring it full circle:
If the desire to be understood motivates extraordinary individuals to SEEK a bond, and vibrations that are in sync with each other (compatibility) work to FORM the bond, then what is it that leads us toward a LASTING bond?
The answer might surprise you:
It is an individuals commitment to their own growth
Which brings me to PROBLEM #4: Growth Differences: Problems with Relationship Sustainability
Behavioral research tells us that the single most important element in a satisfying long term relationship is admiration.
I like to think of admiration (really just a sentimentalized term for respect) as the glue that maintains a bond between two people. It’s what causes your partner to want to stay bonded with you over time. (and vice versa). (See post Authentic Admiration vs False Admiration)
Here’s the caveat: Another person’s admiration for you is only authentic and enduring as long as you are committed to your own growth. Likewise, mutual admiration forms an enduring pair bond when both individuals are committed to their own personal growth, and thus admire each other while evolving.
So, for mutual admiration to remain constant, both people must constantly be learning, Growing. Changing. EVOLVING.
This of course comes naturally to the seeker. The evolving person. The passionate, life-long learner. The YOU reading this. Whether we are aware of it or not, we re-invent ourselves in small ways every day.
But this doesn’t come easy for everyone.
MOST PEOPLE ARE A PRODUCT OF THE HABITS THEY HAVE LEARNED BY THE AGE OF 30.
When our partners cease to stop growing on their own paths of personal evolution, this poses a problem. An evolving person doesn’t admire the partner who ceases to grow, and along with this, probably won’t feel understood (our core need) –thus the bond is broken.
Worse still, is the scenario where both individuals cease to grow. Like anything stagnant, those individuals become toxic — their real selves begin to die. The glue that bonds them isn’t admiration anymore, It’s RESENTMENT.
I can handle breaking hearts. The toxic relationship: Not so much.
On a hopeful note, lets not forget that one of the most beautiful things about enduring bonds, is that two people don’t both have to know where they are headed to be moving in the same direction. They don’t even have to be moving at the same speed.
As long as there is movement, as long as both people are evolving, the admiration bond holds.
In other words, for the paired bond, your commitment to your own growth is as much about your partner as it is about you.
Never stop EVOLVING as an INDIVIDUAL to remain BONDED as a COUPLE.
“You will manage to keep a woman in love with you, only for as long as you can keep her in love with the person she becomes when she is with you.”
― C. JoyBell C.